The Overrated King
by Robb Wagner
Hey folks, it's me again, your friendly neighborhood ego deflater. I have dedicated myself to exposing the fallacies in the music world. Nothing in the world irritates me more than crappy music getting accolades for "superiority".This practice must end now. Merit should be based on style, originalty, and proficiency, not looks and sales.
On this note, i feel it is incumbent upon me to speak the heretical truth on one of the most revered bands of all time: Van Halen. Van Halen sucks. There isn't any other way around it. I'm willing to say that they might possibly be the most overrated band in history.
"Blasphemer!" you say. The proof is in the pudding, however. Lame riffs, uninspired drumming, cliched vocals, and downright boring basslines. These terms just don't coincide with what one should expect from a great band. Therefore, any band who could be described with the above shouldn't be considered great, right? Apparently the public at large doesn't see this.
Lets start with the biggest argument Van Halen fans make. Eddie. Van. Halen. To that I say, "Fuck Eddie Van Halen!" Eddie is easily the most overrated guitarist in history. His tapping techniques weren't all that revolutionary. Chet Atkins was doing tapping in the fifties. Eddie himself admitted to getting his ideas for tapping from seeing Jimmy Page in the seventies. Hell, Randy Rhoads was far superior to Eddie, and they were contemporaries. Yet, for some reason incomprehensible to me, Ed wins just about every reader poll in every magazine on best guitarist ever. I just don't get it. His solos were bland, his riffs worse, and goddamnit, he smiles way too much.
Moving along, we come to the vocalist slot. Diamond Dave. Sammy Hagar. Gary fucking Cherone? Ha! Am I the only person who sees the pattern here? Bad, worse, fucking horrible. David Lee Roth was pretty bad, what with his annoying voice, terrible fashion sense (see the video for “Panama”) and asshole attitude was far and away superior to Sammy "I wish i had a personality" Hagar. And Gary Cherone? I won't even dignify him with an insult. Of course, the constant mystery of whether or not Davey-boy will return is probably just a marketing ploy to boost album sales. Haven't you noticed that he only is rumored to be re-joining when V.H. has a new release on the shelves?
Of course, there's Alex. Mr. Drummer to you. This man, at one point, had one of the largest drumkits on the planet. What pains me is the fact that he rarely used it. Admittedly, he did have a few good drum solos, but as a whole, his work was uninspired at best. Alex isn't big on taking risks, apparently. He was always adequate, never more. I believe the man was capeable of more, but I think brother Ed wouldn't have any one steal his limelight.
Michael Anthony. Here is the saddest story in all of rock. Here is a musician who never plays more than one note per song. Every song is just Mikey-boy plucking his electric bass twanger to the tune of one note. If the song is in a, then all Mikey-boy plays is a. I don't know if he is capeable of more or not. Maybe he was just a good friend of the rest of the band, so they felt sorry for him and let him play bass. Maybe it's another of Eddie's "Hey, man, don't steal my fame!" antics. The world may never know the truth, but damn, Michael's parts are fucking boring.
So, you wanna hear a godly guitarist? Go check out John Petrucci. He lets everyone else in the band play well too.
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